There is much that is joyous and regenerative to celebrate, as affirmed by the arrival of the spring wildflowers here in lockdown Melbourne, day 100.
While it has been distressing, I’m also present to the extraordinary gifts that this time has brought. Many speak of more time with loved ones, less time spent commuting, opportunities to show up more authentically with colleagues, the richness of a liminal time in which to re-evaluate what’s important. Reality contains both that which is deeply painful and that which is hope-giving. In order to navigate our way through these ever-shifting sands we need to be thinking realistically, which means making space for the whole spectrum of our experience during this time.
Right now, workplaces are crying out with statistics indicating that mental health tops the list of challenges employees are navigating at this time, and that depressingly 8 out of 10 employees feel they are unable to share their struggles at work - thank you to my brilliant colleague Sian Mertens for sharing this latest wellbeing research.
If we knew that how we are listening to one another at this time, in each micro-interaction, and how comfortable we are with receiving the distress signals coming from another could profoundly impact these wellbeing statistics, how might we show up differently for one another, and ourselves?
What simple practices could we cultivate to ensure everyone feels that they can arrive with their whole selves at work, as a key response to navigating this increasingly changing time? The key message we are given is that it’s not safe to share when we’re struggling, that we need to get on with ‘business as usual’, despite the fact that there is no such thing any longer.
I have a lasting memory of how my strong feelings were received in the workplace, over 20 years ago. I had just received deeply distressing news about a close family member and was crying in my office when our CEO walked in. He took one look at me, and bolted out the door to call the office manager. Our wonderful office manager immediately rushed to my side, and, between sobs, I shared that I had just received some horrific news. Her whole way of being with me encouraged me to keep going in sharing what was going on for me. She listened all the way through until I had stopped crying, and I was able to think through next steps.
The CEO’s assumption was that he was incapable of coming any closer to my messy self, physically or emotionally, and listening to what it was that was causing so much distress. There was something really dangerous happening – the shedding of tears - and he definitely could not be around it. This assumption runs deeply through our dominant culture. Our office manager was not a mental health expert. She is a compassionate human being: an ‘expert’ in how to be relaxed with another’s feelings, listen all the way through, and not make them wrong.
The good news is that we all have access to this level of expertise, this expertise which lies in our ability to choose whether to witness another’s feelings, without judgement or fear, or whether we choose to continue saying back to another in the face of our distress, “Stop that. It’s dangerous. It’s derailing our agenda. Its unprofessional. And we are not equipped to deal with your feelings.” My story is a dramatic example of our recoiling from the expression of feelings in the workplace but we’ve all experienced on a daily basis the more subtle messages which tell us our feelings are not welcome, and how that impacts our ability to think and act well.
Cultivating simple practices where everyone knows they will have regular opportunities in team meetings to share what’s going well for them, as well as what might be difficult right now is one reliable way for us to know that all of our feelings are welcome in the workplace. Our ability to be at ease as we listen to one another share what is real and true right now for our colleagues profoundly impacts their wellbeing as well as the quality of the thinking that will unfold in the rest of the meeting. They are not needing us to rush in and rescue them just because they have shared honestly what they are thinking and feeling. They are needing us to witness them, in their full humanness.
Inviting the expression of feelings is not an imposition: there is no expectation that everyone needs to share their struggles in the workplace, unless they want to. What we do need is the assurance that we will all be able to listen to those who do.
If you are interested in developing the skill of providing generative attention, and creating environments that foster genuine connection, inclusion and collaboration, in-person and online, I invite you to participate in one of our upcoming courses.